Members of Scandinavia’s Australian expat community are currently in training in a secret location for a daring raid to rescue one of our own – our Mary, Princess of Denmark, prisoner of the castle.

According to Copenhagen 1015-K, an expose by veteran Danish royal watcher Trine Villemann (the title is the royals’ postcode, it’s a 90210 reference), Crown Prince Frederik never really wanted to be married, doesn’t want to be King, and won’t stop visiting his old girlfriends, a string of blonde, long-legged great Danes. Big women I mean, not dogs. This is Frederik, not Charles.

Mary hides in the castle from her dysfunctional in-laws, and from the Danish vowel pronunciation system, which even Danish children find impossible to learn.