Swanny’s mash up: Week 4

The week in one liners:

The rate of interest went up, but not in the election…

“Efficient” was the word in every workplace around the nation, the first time that’s happened in a while…

The Democrats went to visit the Melbourne General Cemetery and the attendant wouldn’t let them leave…

Preferences were exchanged for the sake of political advancement, just like one prominent Victorian Liberal member did a few years back…

Megan Gale and Jennifer Hawkins went head to head in a… scuse me…

Pakistan erupted into chaos with a second coup as President/General Musharref announced that he would do anything to restore stability and that it may be necessary in the future to arrest himself…

More opportunity for average Afghanis to participate in politics arose as a suicide bomber killed several MPs…

Cate Blanchett announced that she was having a third child and consequently all Australians would have to reduce their carbon footprint by a further 2%…

Oil hit $100 a barrel, making Ricky Martin’s head worth about two grand…

Sydney voted to introduce licenses for Melbourne-style bars so that smack deals could be done in a more intimite and funky retro setting…

Kylie Minogue has started a mobile phone networking site, where everyone can find friends, except Dannii…

Research indicates that people are more attracted to people who are attracted to them, scientists reported wistfully…

Popular toy Bindeez, found to contain the drug GHB, was withdrawn until a safer version of the candy-lookalike small plastic bead game could be developed. Fears that it caused uncontrollable vomiting eased after it was discovered that people were referring to Steve Irwin’s daughter’s TV show…

Ci41, a planet that is practically a twin of our own, except it’s 45 times heavier and cannot generate its own atmosphere, has been renamed Beau Bridges…

Scientists interested in what colour the sky was there contacted the political staff of the Australian to find out.

Helena Bonham Carter told an interviewer she got so desperate to have a baby she even considered eating properly…

A story that didn’t involve a lap-dancer and a severed head in a freezer made the “top 5 most read” list of the Brisbane Times…

The ABC’s “Sideshow” was cancelled, leaving the entire Radio National staff out of work…

David Gyngell returned to Channel Nine and did what he does best – he waxed it from top to bottom and then left it out the front hoping someone would buy it…

John Howard really really lost it with that sorry/apology/rates thing. No gag really but it was pretty incredible to watch yeah?

And the week in trash with Helen Razer:

For you they call again, O Captain of Pop. Apparently you are normal.

The creative editor of Ebony Magazine spent some minutes in the company of Michael Jackson and declared him quite average.

Rise up, O Captain. For the flag of mediocrity has been flung.

What the…? to employ the deliciously unfinished catchphrase of Rove. (A man who has recently made headlines for his attachment to White Hot Honey Tasma Walton.)

If Michael Jackson is normal, then not only will I walk the deck of pop culture with mournful tread, I will resist the temptation to reference Luffy.

As you have doubtless heard, prime ministerial press secretary David Luff has been unconvincingly parlayed into a “Sex Symbol.” Apparently, his libidinal force is so thumping, women everywhere are forced to wear waterproofed underthings and T Shirts declaring their attachment.

Luff is as edible as a box of rusted curtain hooks and as frankly bonkable as a McHappy Meal.

I do not understand this parlous error in carnal judgement. Perhaps you might explain it to me. And I, in turn, will tender to you the name of an excellent therapist.

In my own trash exploration this week, I encountered the delightful Carson Kressley. As is his wont and premier talent, he insulted a swaying mass of women for dressing like whores. As Mistress of Ceremonies at the Melbourne Cup’s Fashions on the Field, he was exquisite.

He wore pants that looked to me as though James McNeill Whistler had changed media and thrown up. I told him this. We became fast friends.

I also spied Jennifer Hawkins and Rod’s ex Rachel Hunter. You may recall Rachel’s work in the May-December video outing Stacey’s Mom. I can assure you, Miss Hunter does Have it Going On in the fashion of Stacey’s Mom.

And what of Ralph Fiennes dirty minger? She hew eschews prophylactics and propriety, Miss Lisa Robertson, has failed to transpose her toilet sortie into a meaningful career. What a shame. Apparently, even a British reality program deemed her too low-rent.

Stuff the British. They who despatch charter flights full with hefty birds and swearing geezers to urinate and flash all over Tenerife. Someone, please give poor Lisa a job. She has earned something, surely. The woman porked the English Patient, for chrissake.

Apparently, Today’s Troubled Teens are mad for Bindeez.

Apparently, Carmen Electra has had something or other to do with nude wrestling. She’s cross for being misrepresented as cheap. Yes. Her. The one that makes her money by hawking Pole Dancing videos.

Apparently, my Culture lies,

Fallen cold and dead.

Know gossip? Or a good liar? Send bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths to Walt Whitman: Helen.razer@bigpond.com