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Next Monday, March 8, the Oscars are on from 12pm. Join us for liveblogging action with Crikey film guru Luke Buckmaster, Mel Campbell co-founder of The Enthusiast and the Crikey team. For now, it’s the final day of The Golden Choc-Tops and we’ve left the best til last: verbal and literal on-screen bile.

The Malcolm Tucker Award for Most Deplorable On Screen Personality

Malcolm Tucker, the verbose filthy-mouthed star of In the Loop and TV’s The Thick Of It, has an endless array of insults for any social or professional occasion. We can presume that the man from whom this award takes its name expects from movie characters nothing short of diabolical scumbaggery.

Ben Kingsley ratcheted up some points as a pompous twat in Elegy, Steve Martin scored nods for all the wrong reasons in The Pink Panther 2 and Stephen Lang seriously upped the ante in Avatar. Lang plays the fearlessly inhumane Colonel Miles Quaritch, a cranked-to-11 military baddie with a weather-beaten, scar-streaked countenance and a haircut you could set your watch to. Quaritch is a devilishly gung-ho character, all cartoony menace and vein-bursting disdain; you’d be excused for waiting for the moment in which he sparks a cigar by swiping it across his chin. Sadly that moment never came, and Avatar was just a little less of an experience because of it.

But these characters look, in the words of Herr Tucker himself, like “little chicks and c-cks” compared to the character inhabited by the Oscar-nominated Mo’Nique in director Lee Daniels’s gut-busting drama Precious. There is nothing funny about her role as a Precious’s unemployed layabout mother Mary, a fireball of furious energy, singeing every soul within a two-block radius. She is an unrelentingly horrible personality but Mo’Nique invests just enough pathos and vulnerability to make the performance so realistic it hurts like hell. Even Tucker, with his razor-sharp tongue and penchant for profanities, would look like a lily-livered choir boy alongside this beast of a woman.

The Best Use of Bodily Fluids Award

It’s one thing for an actor to contribute a skillful, well-judged performance and another, more impressive feat for an actor to contribute a skillful, well-judged performance with amazing use of bodily fluids. This icky area of interest may not be characteristic of Hollywood’s phoney baloney glitz and glam, but nevertheless The Golden Choc-Tops proudly present the award for Best Use of Bodily Fluids in 2009.

While Golden Choc-Top “Cinematic W-nkerism” winner Lars von Trier/Antichrist scored some points for a hideous scene involving blood oozing from Willem Dafoe, 2009 will go down as the year in which projectile vomiting took centre stage in the spectrum of high-powered fluid fests.

In the bromance rom-com I Love You Man, straight-cut star Paul Rudd has a corker moment in which, after slamming down steins of beer with the boys, he suddenly and hilariously hurls over co-star Jon Favreau, to which Favreau’s character responds by curtly asking him to leave. An illuminating behind the scenes video details how pressure tanks were used to project Rudd’s vomit and reveals the filmmakers’ intention to make “the greatest vomit scene in the history of film”.

Nice try boys, but director Sam Raimi and actor Lorna Raver ran cinematic spew circles all around you in Raimi’s gnarly horror pic Drag Me to Hell. Raver plays an old gypsy hag who puts a curse on un-empathetic bank employee Christine (Alison Lohman) and periodically returns to shower her in fluids.

The first time it happens the gypsy’s dead body falls on Christine and from out its mouth oozes thick green slime; she hurls at her later, like a trademark manoeuvre akin to a complicated joystick combination in Street Fighter II, and if that wasn’t enough she throws in some other eewwww treats: chin sucking, high pressure nose bleeds and an eye that spurts blood from inside a piece of cake (naturally). Old gypsy hag woman, you have well and truly out-done yourself.