firstdogdesk

I received two important letters today.

Alright, I didn’t. But I did get two letters. And a gas bill, so that is three. And the gas bill is kind of important.

Anyway I got a letter from Tony himself! It was addressed TO THE VOTER which could mean ANYTHING but I OPENED IT because I AM IN THE MEDIA and because there it was IN MY LETTERBOX! There was also an ALP one that was actually addressed to me so hooray for the electoral roll. There was no mention of any candidate in Tony’s letter so I don’t know who the Liberal standing in Gellibrand is and not even Google will tell me.

Perhaps they don’t have one yet. Maybe there is a shortage of stupid people and they’ll have to use a small stone or one of the little barking dogs on my street. How will we know the difference? This is a safe labor seat so the Lib candidate could really be anyone or anything as long as they don’t need to actually be in parliament.

There was no talk in Tony’s letter of STOPPING THE BOATS (although it did mention border security) and maybe that’s because Footscray is part of Gellibrand and it is full of poor people many of whom are of the formerly foreign variety. Or maybe it was just luck.

The other letter was from Nicola Healthminister who is my local member. She doesn’t mention the boats either. Or Julia. There are four photos of Nicola, two of them feature old people. The message seems to be, if you are old or standing in a fruit shop, Nicola is your friend.

Anyway, both letters pretended to be about postal voting (send us your form!) but they didn’t fool me because I AM IN THE MEDIA. It was all SPIN! SHAMELESS SPIN! Just a way for politicians to get their cunning pieces of paper into my house. In terms of sneaky value, the coalition wins because they provided a post paid return envelope with no identifying address at all how dodgy! The ALP at least say it is being sent back to Nicola to do with as she will.

Now that I think about it this is hugely boring. We will all get loads of stupid mail over the next few weeks and if everyone did a blog post about it yah boo sucks we would run out of space in the part of the internet that deals with boring stupid things. No we wouldn’t.

Anyway, its nowhere near as exciting as what Paris Hilton does with her v-gina! Joe Hockey is so classy.

In response to Joe’s hilarious CASUAL S-X ECONOMY JUXTAPOSITION gag, some suggested that as Paris Hilton’s virtue is beyond redemption, the comment, while STUPID AND MYSOGYNIST, was not particularly offensive as Paris is clearly a woman of easy virtue and everyone expects her to wave her private parts about for Christmas. Disgraceful. Is everyone an idiot or just the people I talk to?

Whatever – another four or five weeks of this and my brain will turn to mucous. Too late.

Meanwhile, if the people running the shittest, meanest, most idiotic campaign usually win these kinds of elections, then the Coalition will romp it in.

CRIKEY: We want to read your mail. Have you received any interesting leaflets from your local member? Are you lucky enough to reside in a marginal electorate and therefore expect to be bombarded with brochures over the next month? Share your pain with us! Send us your junk mail — simply scan it in, save as a jpg, and email it to us at boss@crikey.com.au with the header: Campaign letterbox.