Dear colleague,

As a scarcely comprehensible clusterfuck continues to unfold in London, I believe it is important to keep you up to date with our position in Australia.

A long list of arseholes, including some media outlets, certain commentators and some politicians have attempted to connect us with the behaviour in the UK. This on the flimsy grounds that we are part of the same corporation, have the same proprietor and even the same logo. What these critics fail to understand is that “News Corporation”, “News International” and “News Limited” are very distinct. Note, for example, that in each case the second word is totally different.

So far this week the following have engraved their names forever on the enemies list:

  • Bob Brown wanting an inquiry into the media in Australia. This “senator” and his “party” have been crying like little girls about News Limited for some time. Yes, we swore in print to destroy them. But the press’s role in a democracy is to provide scrutiny and implacable hostility.
  • Someone in one of those chain email thingies said that we don’t disclose our code of conduct and that it is not available on the world wide web. This is bullsh-t of course — it’s been available at my own personal Dropbox, Media Watch, for years.

Obviously, these pricks will keep. For now I have been instructed to advise you that something something perceptions something constructively.

Next week I will be meeting with Julian Disney from the hahahahahaha Australian Press Council who provide hahahahahahaha oversight and address HAHAHAHAHAHA public complaints about newspapers. Julian has brought fresh ideas, energy and conviction to this role, which is a bit of a concern, frankly, but we’ll continue to work on breaking him in.

In recent days, every worldwide employee of News Corp has received either a summons OR a copy of the updated Standards of Business Conduct. I have been asked to remind you that although these Standards do not explicitly prohibit deleting the voicemails of murdered children, it’s definitely implied if you read between the lines.

We will be conducting a thorough review of all editorial expenditure over the past three years to confirm that payments to contributors and other third parties were for legitimate expenses.

In unrelated news, we have organised an extra secure waste collection next week for any shredded materials you may have accumulated.

I have absolutely no reason to suspect any wrongdoing at News Limited. And if there has been any, I think we can probably pin it on that c-nt Waldron.

In conclusion, we can be thankful that here in Australia we have been spared daring social experiments like female CEOs. Speaking of rangas, I trust you all saw my thrusting and virile performance on 7.30 last night, and noted that your CEO is keeping the communists at bay.

I intend to keep you informed of any relevant developments as appropriate. It’s customary to say at this point that I welcome feedback but that would be insulting your intelligence.

Go fuck yourselves,

@BigHarto