Today, Crikey is delighted to present to you some very serious journalism indeed. We have acquired exclusively* the FULL transcript from Leader of the House Christopher Pyne’s now infamous pro-marriage equality, pro-communism speech.

All right, all right … so anyway, that’s the plan on how we’re going to force through gay marriage against the will of the Australian public. Now, comrades, I’d like to fill the Black Hand in on some of the other projects we’re working on in Cabinet (murmurs of excitement from the audience).

As you know, we of the Left have now gained almost total control of the Treasurer, which control we demonstrated by causing him to sever ties with our deadliest enemy, Ray Hadley (cheers). I am pleased to report that the poor fool remains as susceptible to the Hand as ever, and a tripling of welfare spending is on the agenda for the next Budget (applause).

Project Turnbull also proceeds apace — a steady diet of Marx and Pixar films has rendered him helpless in the face of the Leftist propaganda that I have been whispering in his ear while he sleeps. As already mentioned, he will be proposing a free vote on gay marriage any day now, but we hope that by the end of the year we can also persuade him to eliminate all gendered pronouns from government literature, and legalise ecstasy.

Of course, there are always fresh challenges — nobody said being a Black Hander would be easy! (laughter) Immigration remains a sore point: we have had little success in convincing the Immigration Minister of the benefits of open borders or people smuggler subsidies, and our paymasters in the Greens have become impatient. We remain optimistic, however, that sooner rather than later Dutton can be reprogrammed or, if necessary, Bernardi-ed out of the party and replaced by a more malleable candidate.

On the upside, our goal of subjugating the white race is closer than ever: I expect legislation to be tabled in the next parliamentary sitting requiring every white Australian to pay half their salary into a fund to finance violent protests by Aboriginal activists. This will be followed by the bill that will officially insert the word “Self-loathing” into the Constitution. By 2021, our numbers men predict that the Aboriginal industry will be Australia’s biggest, and by 2050 we hope whites will be entirely extinct — just as the Black Hand’s mission statement affirms.

I urge you then, comrades, to charge your glasses, and drink a toast to the present and future success of our glorious cabal. May we of the clandestine Left never falter in our fight for a socialist paradise. And may we never drop our guard against those who would deny us this goal. If Andrew Bolt gets wind of all this, we’re screwed. So keep it quiet, yes? Your health!

*via satirist Ben Pobjie