Human Services Minister Alan Tudge has been quick to point out that criminals have come into possession of your personal Medicare data, but it’s not a hack. As he reveals in an explosive series of 100% genuine emails to DHS staff*, the problem is that distributing citizens’ private information is the purview of DHS and the relevant minister alone.
FROM: Alan Tudge, Human Services Minister
TO: All Staff, Department of Human Services
To all,
A reminder that recent data breaches in the Health IT system were the work of traditional criminals, not professional hackers. All statements from Department personnel to media should reflect this reality. When providing quotes to reporters, please ensure that it is fully understood that the perpetrators of these breaches would have no idea how to put citizens’ sensitive personal information at risk — we’re the experts.
AT
FROM: Minister Alan Tudge
TO: All Staff
Further to previous memo, it should be noted that the official government line is currently that the cybersecurity breach is akin to a break-in at a medical clinic. We should seek at every turn to reassure the public that they are no more at risk than anyone else inside a building being attacked by desperate criminals would be. Also, only a small number of people are likely to be affected, and they might not even be the right kind of people.
AT
FROM: Minister Alan Tudge
TO: All Staff
Dear all,
Further to instructions on dealing the press regarding recent data breaches, I will be announcing this afternoon a complete and comprehensive investigation into how criminals gained access to government data systems. All staff in all departments will be thoroughly grilled as to their possible involvement, and if any staff member is found to have aided the criminals in their endeavours, consequences will be swift and dire. It should be noted that every employee of the Department is informed during their induction that any releases or leaks of Australian citizens’ personal information is SOLELY the responsibility of the relevant minister. As Minister for Human Services, I am the only one currently authorised to distribute the private details of individuals to the media or otherwise into the public sphere, and anyone violating this rule will be summarily dealt with. If you have a specific request for a confidential file you would like released, please see me in person: do NOT take it to the dark web, which is not only unregulated, but has been undercutting my prices.
AT
FROM: Tudge
TO: All
Further to my last email, please do not include the quote about “undercutting my prices” in media releases.
AT
*As discovered by satirist Ben Pobjie
Thank the Lord that it was only some half-witted common crook that was able to crack the hen-house code (imagine if someone had that had been clever enough not to leave a trace?) – I’m surprised he/they haven’t blamed Andie Fox, yet?
Who let the doxx out? [Who, who, who, who?!]
“Smudge” is an embarrassing stain on the nation’s undies.
“Todger”?