From the Crikey grapevine, the latest tips and rumours …

Charity begins and ends at home. Senator Cory Bernardi has been picking up new members for his Australian Conservatives Party, with representatives in the South Australian and Victorian parliaments as well as the federal Parliament — all without actually facing an election. And Bernardi has finally released actual policies, in one of the most awkward segues featured in his Common Sense newsletter:

“… my views on maintaining marriage haven’t changed in the past eleven years.

“Something that has changed, though, is the Australian Conservatives website. It’s good news for our members and supporters as it coincides with the release of our first suite of formal policy positions.”

Positively Anna Coren-esque. The Australian Conservatives policies cover “bursting the Canberra Bubble” as well as regular areas like defence, education, the economy and law and order. The Conservatives are all about the Western way of life and defending Christianity, but the charity stops at the border:

“We will withdraw from the UN Refugee Convention, and never resettle those who arrive here illegally.”

“The family reunion stream is misused and we will legislate that family members may only be brought to Australia if those members are declared at the time of the initial visa application.”

“The residency requirement to obtain Australian citizenship will be extended to ten years. Applicants must have paid income tax (net of all government welfare) for at least seven of those ten years in order for qualify.”

Nothing to see here. Thanks to the internet, teleconferences are a waste time so far as companies are concerned, especially those in the spotlight. And yesterday’s effort from the Commonwealth Bank is a case in point. Teleconferences allow companies to control access and especially questions from the great unwashed media who ask the difficult, loaded queries that quite often expose the bullshit and the spin.

There was none of that allowed yesterday by an obvious very nervy CBA. A separate media conference wasn’t broadcast, but CEO Ian Narev took questions from all and sundry, including 7.30 host Leigh Sales, who asked some of the right questions, such the board knowing from late 2015 of the money laundering problem — nothing happened. Disclosure was inadequate and remains so.

Of the analysts on the call, two covered themselves in glory. The first was Brian Johnson of CLSA, whose first two questions were to specific allegations by AUSTRAC that dealt with money laundering by possible gangs and terrorists, while Craig Williams of Citi sort of went there in wondering about the fallout from the AUSTRAC claims and the impact on staff. Narev did say in answer to Johnson that there was no deliberate attempt to do anything wrong at the bank — he said there was no profit motive in the bank’s actions and “no bad intent”. So what about managerial incompetence? Not raised.

But the Commonwealth Bank has launched a very expensive charm offensive in relation to the AUSTRAC charges, taking out a pricey full-page ad on page 5 of this morning’s Australian. The bank wants to remind us that most of the profits the bank is making is actually returned to shareholders via holdings and super — in other words, don’t kick the bank, because it is people like you who profit from its success.

And just how much of that profit be costing the bank? Media analyst Steve Allen tells Crikey the retail value for a weekday full page that far forward in the book could be up to $60,000, but that CBA very likely has a yearly contract with the paper, bringing the cost of that particular ad to a very reasonable $20,000-$30,000.

Even if … Media Watch host Paul Barry probably could have done with a second take during a behind-the-scenes Facebook live video yesterday. Answering a question from “Sylvia” about where she could look for good modern journalism, Barry started with the ABC and mentioned The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald as other local news sources, but it was his almost-caveat on recommending The Daily Telegraph that pricked up our ears: “I like some of what the Telegraph does, even, I shouldn’t say that, even, that’s not the right word, I’d better not complete that phrase.” After a brief panicked look, Barry recovered and swiftly deferred to his favourite international news sources.

Where is Scott Ryan? Special Minister of State Scott Ryan has been conspicuously absent during all the recent discussion of citizenship, section 44 of the constitution and the legal path to marriage equality. Some readers have asked where he might be and why Mathias Cormann has been the face of these discussions as “acting Special Minister of State”. No conspiracy here — Ryan is ill and has handed over his portfolio duties to Cormann as he recovers. Ryan said at the end of last month: “Earlier in July, I took a short period of leave to address some longstanding medical issues. In attending to these, a number of complications developed, some of which require further ­attention. I have consequently sought an additional period of leave from my Senate and ministerial duties. I will return to full duties as soon as I am recovered.”

Nothing but net. Liberal member for Bowman Andrew Laming’s opinion piece for the Fairfax papers yesterday starts with a sporting metaphor: 

“This week’s Coalition party room meeting on same-sex marriage was as close to a basketball swoosh as you get. A three-pointer that barely touches the rim, its mood was positive and as close to unanimous as the Liberal Party gets.”

A Crikey tipster posted on Facebook that perhaps sports cliches were not really the appropriate vehicle to express government-funded hate speech that will needlessly harm thousands of LGBTI Australians and their children. But Laming was quite keen on the metaphor and jumped in to say so. 

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