I can’t call Australia home — when humour reveals painful truths

The iconic Peter Allen song turned highly successful Qantas advert “I still call Australia home” has been given a 2021 twist by comedian and ABC Radio Melbourne breakfast host Sammy J, with his recent rendition of “I can’t call Australia home“, co-written with Chris McDonald and James Pender.

The satirical song features a smiling choir shrouded in white, perfectly enunciating lines such as “if you come home we’ll jail ya“. It also fires well-aimed jabs at the seemingly racist travel ban on Australians in India and the absurdity of young Australians forced to pay huge amounts of money to try to get home from places like the UK. Zac Efron also cops a whack.

As Sydney Morning Herald journalist Latika Bourke tweeted, it’s “the utterly searing, truth-telling take we’ve all been waiting for”.

Here are the lyrics in full:

I’ve been to cities that always lock down

From Paris to Auckland and old London town

Now I’m stuck overseas and my chances are blown

I can’t call Australia home

I moved to the UK in 2019

Now I spend my days refreshing my screen

Tried to book me a flight but the flights have all flown

I can’t call Australia home

All the tennis players flying round the world

Quarantining in a luxury suite

While my hope of returning is earning

10,000 bucks to secure my seat

Well I saw Zac Efron in Byron Bay

He passed me and muttered and awkward “g’day”

Cause he knew what we knew, that it’s not OK

How come he calls Australia home?

My mates an Aussie of Indian descent

His mum died last week so to Mumbai he went

And it seems a bit harsh, how could he have known?

He’d be locked up for trying to come home.

So this is how it is then, our citizens

Are abandoned in a dangerous place

And as they struggle copin’, I’m hopin’

It’s not to do with the colour of their face

And some day we’ll all be together once more

When we’re sharing a cell on a cold cement floor

But ’til then I’m stranded and I feel so alone

Cause I can’t call Australia

(If you come home we’ll jail ya)

Yeah I can’t call Australia

(We’re sorry Michael Slater)

Yeah we can’t call Australia home