Comedian Jon-Bernard Kairouz (Image: TikTok)

This pandemic has been utterly flush with bullshit, most of it irresponsible, much of it dangerous. From rabid anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers to celebrities (and celebrity presidents) spreading misinformation and contributing to sickness and deaths around the globe.

Australia has a new bullshitter-in-chief — and he’s quite marvellous. And unlike the woo-woo crowd, he’s bringing laughs instead of deaths.

He’s also bringing the correct coronavirus numbers. Jon-Bernard Kairouz has been “predicting” NSW’s daily COVID-19 caseload via TikTok videos before the numbers are officially announced. And until today, when his prediction of 109 turned out to be off the mark, he was on a winning streak. Many suspect he has a very good leak inside the NSW Health Department — which seems like the only plausible route for the information he releases a couple of hours after officials have collated the day’s numbers.

The actor and comedian starred as “The Oracle” in a sketch show called The Forecast, which has the tagline “News, before it happens”. He says he uses the Kairouz Probability Algorithm for his “predictions”. In his videos, whiteboards are filled with apparently random mathematical symbols and the occasional Venn diagram.

He talked about the diameter of Fairfield — which would be a complicated calculation indeed, considering Fairfield’s non-circular nature. Just in case none of that tipped you off, he also:

  • Told The New Daily and Sunrise that when he was younger he had a crayon lodged in his brain. “Once I had that removed, my IQ went up 50 points and it allows me to make these calculations.”
  • Told Sky News he went to a school for the gifted. “It was run by Professor Xavier and Hugh Jackman.”
  • Told Nova FM he worked at a college as a janitor. “Sometimes I’ll see an equation on a whiteboard and I can just finish it. I feel like I’m smarter than most of the kids there!”

Over the weekend, he did magnificent deadpan performances for all sorts of media outlets, many of whom gave him the sceptical side eye.

He told The Project that he just did the maths. Host Tommy Little said “I think we can all agree you are full of shit on this maths thing, but to be honest I don’t care.”

Other outlets gave him plenty of credit for “predicting” the numbers. News.com.au canvassed different theories but described him as “bizarrely accurate”.

LadBible said maybe he has a mole “or, he could just be really good at working out trends, patterns, and numbers”.

Sky News took him at face value in its article. TimeOut declared him “psychic” and likened him to a crystal ball.

Premier Gladys Berejiklian has now been quizzed on the possibility of a leak from the department, and it’ll probably turn out to be as mundane an explanation as a cousin within the system.

But for now he’s hugely entertaining, his information has been accurate, and the whole shebang has been a display of fun bullshit, in contrast to the dire bullshit we’re subjected to on the daily.