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Dr Leslie Cannold used to present Both Sides Now, but she’s cutting to the chase: what’s the right way to go? In Everyday Dilemmas, Cannold brings her ethical training to your problems. Send your questions to letters@crikey.com.au with “Dear Leslie” in the subject line. She might even reply…

Dear Leslie,

I just found out my mum is spiking my dad’s coffee with her anti-depressants. She’d been doing it since around the time I noticed him being less of a bastard. She’s begged me not to tell anyone as he wouldn’t agree to take them himself. She’s right about that, but I’m a nurse. Help!

Spiked

Dear Spiked,

Gosh, what a dilemma! On the one hand you’ve got an (unpleasant? abusive? violent?) man who has partly turned around – you believe – because his mental illness is being treated. On the other, you’re a professional with a clear understanding that covertly medicating a competent adult is out of bounds, both legally and morally.

If you pull back from what is obviously an intense personal situation, it’s clear your mother is taking a big risk proceeding this way. If she’s found out, it could be bad for her, given that giving someone your prescription medications and covertly medicating someone else is illegal. The rate at which she must be chewing through her prescription could call attention to the situation. Or your dad could have an adverse event from the interaction of a drug he has been prescribed and the anti-depressant that only your mum and you know he’s taking.

An alternative above-board approach to the problem could include you talking to your dad with your nurse’s hat on about the impact his poor mental health is having on your mother and on his quality of life. Or, discussing your concerns as a fellow medical professional with his doctor. While his doctor won’t be able to disclose anything to you about your dad’s medical history, she might listen and who knows what could transpire from there.

Remember, too, that your mum is a free agent. She doesn’t have to stick around in a marriage that’s making her feel unsafe or unhappy. If your father won’t get the treatment that she believes is so important, she has the option to leave.

I wish you luck.

Leslie

Dear Leslie,

I have a friend who could be useful to me. My mum would never let me ask my uncle, a doctor, medical questions because she said it was unfair to pester him. Would I be pestering my friend if I ask him to help me, or is this just “networking?”

Worried about being an arsehole

Dear Worried,

It’s a good question. The answer turns on the nature of the friendship and the outlook of your friend.

The defining quality of a friend is someone you value intrinsically. If you treat your friends transactionally, they can feel used and stop wanting to be your friend.

It all turns on that can. You know your friend. Is he the type to feel used — or like you’ve put him in a tight spot — if you ask him to help you because you are his friend?

Or are you two so tight that he might feel hurt if you didn’t ask him for help and would assume that you would do the same for him if the positions were reversed?

If it’s the latter, then ask, although I’d strongly suggest giving your friend an out, just in case you’ve misjudged the situation, and this favour is not one he wants to do.

Leslie