Where’s Hillary Bray when you need him? He’d be in seventh heaven with this stuff

Alas, I did not work with Hillary Bray, the one-time Crikey performance artist also known as Christian Kerr. Nor did I know him before his premature death this month. But if 2021 has shown one thing it is that sometimes a pithy mix of satire and ridicule is the only way to capture the essence of Australian politics.

Scott Morrison and his gang have outgunned conventional journalism. You’ll remember it: the sort that prizes facts and balance. 

He — and they — didn’t start the process of sidelining the fourth estate role of journalists. That started decades ago with the media training of politicians who were schooled — by journalists, naturally — in the art of not answering the question. Then came the 15-second sound bite. Then the weaponising of the 15-second sound bite by focus groups. Then the demand for “balance” which insists that all arguments are valid, no matter how crackpot.

Heck, the groundwork was well and truly laid before social media gave politicians the tool to cut out journalists altogether.

It is, indeed, the perfect climate for charlatans, liars, intellectual lightweights and manipulators, which is kind of where we are now. And one day, when the full history is written, it will demonstrate how willing journalists have been to co-operate in the destruction of their own industry. Some will, fairly, have the argument that you need to put food on the table.

So where might the Hillary Bray lens work where regular journalism fails?

For one thing, Bray/Kerr had the ability to cut to the core with a nickname for his target: Cowardly Lion (John Anderson), the Lounge Bar Bore (Alan Ramsey) and Uptown Girl (Sophie Mirabella) are among the memorable.

There are, indeed, some political phenomena which are, frankly, too absurd for journalism. Here’s my short list.

Ben Morton, the PM’s mate who rose without trace

Not too many years ago Morton was a bus driver who, by his own admission, was “not the most academic kid” at school. But Ben the bus driver had an epiphany. Someone told him: “It doesn’t matter where you’re from or how smart you are at high school, all that matters is how hard you try.” Thus was born a “have-a-go-to-get-a-go” Liberal. Morrison talent-spotted Ben the bus driver and the two became the best of friends. And when Morrison was elected PM in 2019 he handed Morton three ministerial roles, including assistant minister to the prime minister and cabinet. Morton has been further promoted to Minister for the Public Service and Special Minister of State.

From this giddy height, as the PM’s right-hand man, he wrote to Liberal MPs this week suggesting they dob in any “Voices of” independent candidates they suspect are breaking electoral funding rules.

Morton’s ministerial roles come, of course, with a hefty pay packet. 

You might never have heard of him but what matters for the purposes of government is that the bus driver shares the same suburban daggy dad family values as Morrison (or the Member for Bunnings, as he was artfully named by Andrew Denton).

Brother Stuie, the miracle resurrection

One of the first things Morrison did as prime minister was to rescue the political career of his best mate and fellow Pentecostal Christian, Brother Stuie, aka Stuart Robert, after Robert had been kicked out of the Turnbull cabinet for breaching standards. How a politician sitting in shame on the backbench metamorphosed into a cabinet minister (with all assets hidden in a blind trust) is a miracle to rival the biblical story of the fishes and the loaves. 

Yes, we have chronicled this in detail this year, but it is still gobsmacking. Can you think of any Brother Stuie achievements? Me neither.

Richo, the fallen, fallen man

Graham Richardson made a name for himself as a fully unprincipled ALP operative in the Hawke-Keating era when he was the pioneer of  “whatever it takes” politics. Thirty years on he dwells in a dark corner of the Murdoch empire where he recently opined that Morrison was such a good bloke that if he was your neighbour he wouldn’t just lend you his mower, he’d mow your lawn for you. This was why Scott (Decency is my middle name) Morrison would win the next election.

Of course, Richo distinguished himself last year as the token ALP bloke who had to concede that his fellow Sky after darkers commenting on the US election vote were right in calling it for Trump. It would appear Richo has abandoned even the principles he never had.

Peta Credlin, Australia’s own Bob Woodward

This year former Tony Abbott chief of staff Peta Credlin (AO) received a journalism award for outstanding long form current affairs reporting. Her Sky News piece on Victoria’s hotel quarantine “catastrophe” beat two ABC investigations.  The award was from the organisers of the Kennedy Awards (aka the bogan Walkleys) which until this point had pretended to be a serious awards body. 

The picture of ace investigative reporter Credlin clutching her notebook-shaped award like Cruella de Vil underlines that it is journalists themselves who are helping destroy journalism.

So with apologies to Hillary Bray, merry Christmas and a happy new year. And if you happen to have information you want me to investigate next year please email me at dhardaker@protonmail.com. Anything on Morrison’s business mates would be most welcome.