An angry pensioner from Newcastle has already set a high bar for heckling in campaign ’22 — and it hasn’t even officially started yet. He may be the first but he won’t be the last. How to keep count? How to identify the best heckle?
Crikey humourist and occasional self-heckler Tom Red has prepared this handy cut-out-and-keep heckle score sheet. It’s going to be a long campaign, however short it is. We thought this might bring a level of science to the oft-spittle-filled art of heckling.
| Category | Criteria | Your score out of 10 |
|---|---|---|
| Stagecraft | Was the heckle clear, well timed and audible? Did the heckler position themselves effectively in relation to lighting, sound and camera placement? Could you hear both syllables in “dickhead”? | |
| Subterfuge | Did the heckler lure the subject into engaging with them through the strategic deployment of small children, cute dogs, BBQ sausages or baked goods? Was the heckler’s true political persuasion disguised until it was too late for the politician to sidestep the conversation? | |
| Language | How inventive was the invective? For example, “you’re a fucking omnishambles” deserves far more points than “you’re a total dropkick, mate”. | |
| Body movement | Was the heckle reinforced with appropriate gesticulation? Was there enough finger-pointing, chest-jabbing and bird-flipping? Was the heckler close enough to make the subject feel uncomfortable, but not close enough to concern the AFP? | |
| Brevity | Was the heckler pointed, punchy and pithy, or did they try to recite the entire Magna Carta? | |
| Clickability | Did the heckler adhere to the principles of newsworthiness by being timely, bizarre, conflict-based, prominent, current and in some way related to Will Smith thumping Chris Rock? | |
| Impact | Did the heckler advance their cause? Did they unsettle the politician or reveal a glass jaw? Did they unwittingly give the politician an opportunity to demonstrate leadership, empathy or basic humanity? Did the heckler win the crowd or merely confirm their status as “that” guy? |
Hmm. Perhaps consider a Heckling with the stars option. So the professional hecklers, like Scorned Women Inc., can give amateur Hecklers a score, then the people vote for their favourite Heckler. Is it fair to put Wretched Ray the retiree up against Grace Untamed and her vicious side eye, smiles not included? Besides, the lower house is hecklers paradise, and what gets privileged entitlement there, gets a knock on the door from the anti-terrorist police out here in amateur heckler land.
The brilliant way you put that question makes me think of an annual award, let’s say a solid gold figurine of ‘that look’, for the greatest heckle achieved in politics. Perhaps call it the Death Stare Award.
This system relies on self- reporting, a notoriously unreliable method. We need a system where people are invited to rate the work of the hecklers.
I would rate the Pub Pensioner at least 60/70…. a very good performance but has left room for improvement. Sadly he was just a bit too short to Nut the C*nt, which would have got him a perfect score.
I favour the egg. A PM who can’t show his face without it copping a dozen extra large would be a weird kind of simple justice. Free range, of course.
Excellent
Not so much a heckle, rather a hackle as in raising my. My contribution to the Coal-ition Election advertising— Our Rorts and Scandals are under threat from exposure by Labor. Help Protect Corruption. Vote LNP.