So just how many sniffer puppies is Jim Chalmers getting for $12 million?

As Crikey noted on budget night, the government is getting some puppies. The budget registers an expenditure measure of $11.7 million for “detector dogs” at Australia’s borders (these are labradors, not beagles, as our previous piece suggested — that switched over in 2018) “that will sleep in their government-owned kennels, poop on government-owned floors, lick their government-appointed handlers right on the mouth and one day grow up to sniff bags in Australia’s airports”.

But it doesn’t say how many. So Crikey is breaking down the numbers to answer the burning question: how many puppies does nearly $12 million buy you?

A Melbourne vet — who, for whatever reason, didn’t want their name on this important piece of journalism — told Crikey that a well-bred customs labrador with good genetics could cost at least $5000. Puppy vaccinations, initial parasite control and paraphernalia — such as toys, collars, leads and a microchip — probably total $500 per dog per year. Food is probably another $500 per year. Labs typically live to be between 10-12 years — let’s say, on average, 11 years.

On the plus side, labradors don’t require much grooming, and we’re told they’re typically a fairly healthy breed. Still, it’s worth putting aside an average of $1000 per dog for “unexpected” vet visits throughout its lifetime.

So, in total, an average of roughly $17,000 per dog.

But of course that doesn’t factor in the cost of training them. This is where it gets trickier — the Australian Border Force jobs site doesn’t list the salary for trainers, simply telling us the “detector dog program is very competitive. It is typically recruited internally, from suitably experienced officers already working for the ABF.”

A detector dog trainer themselves has to be trained, spending 11 weeks doing the basic training course at a special facility in Melbourne, three more months in their local region and then another three weeks back in Melbourne. We understand that when factoring in salary, travel, accommodation, training, superannuation and other miscellaneous costs, you’d want to put aside roughly $120,000 a year per trainer. We’re further told that each detector dog team (dog and handler) needs to do at least seven months of training together before graduating, so that’s all up at least a year per trainer and dog.

So roughly speaking, that’s $147,000 per dog. So $11.7 million dollars actually only gets you, like, 79 labradors. A bit of an anticlimax, to be honest.