(Image: Private Media/Tom Red)

Following a less than optimal election result, Victorian Liberal Leader Matthew Guy has fallen on his sword for the second time, a feat few in politics ever achieve. His exit, pursued by a bear, leaves what’s left of his party with the unenviable task of finding a new leader.

Despite some well-intentioned talk about renewal, the most likely outcome will be another well-to-do, straight, white man with church ties offering more of the same.

However, having hit rock bottom and with nothing to lose, the Victorian Liberals should cast their net much wider, argues Crikey satirist Tom Red.

Prue and Trude (shop assistants at House, Fountain Gate)

Pros: As doyens of the Toorak set and purveyors of “grayshsh” homewares and exotic throws, these two are uniquely placed to win back disaffected blue ribbon Liberals. When punters pop into their shop, Prue and Trude will pounce and deftly turn the conversation from plungers in your Bodum to negative gearing, tax cuts and that dreadful Monique Ryan’s pushy bedside manner.    

Cons: They both work at least two hours a week at a shopping centre and may not have the time for another Sisyphean project.

Bouncer (labrador retriever, Neighbours star)

Pros: He’s a dog, and everyone loves dogs. He’s also a reminder of how wholesome, suburban and monocultural the 1980s were, all touchstone values for potential Liberal voters. And like all great leaders, Bouncer has a dream.

Cons: Bouncer (his real name) is long dead, which in ordinary times should rule him out. Yet here we are.

Dave Hughes (TV personality)

Pros: He’s accustomed to people laughing at him whenever he speaks, an important skill for any opposition leader.

Cons: That accent could be a deal-breaker in Kooyong.

Peta Credlin (Sky News agitant)

Pros: Like Margaret Thatcher, Bronwyn Bishop and Christopher Pyne before her, Peta has a haughty head-mistress-with-a-cane vibe that many Liberal Party men find irresistible. 

Cons: Her impeccable and unstinting abhorrence of Dan Andrews could release her inner Dalek and lead to a string of AVOs.  

Elon Musk (space Karen)

Pros: Just like the current Victorian Liberal Party leadership, Elon has no problem blowing up existing brands and flirting with right-wing groups if he needs to.

Cons: Even by the Victorian Liberals’ notable standards, Elon is crazier than an inbred schnauzer.

Rhonda Byrne (author of The Secret)

Pros: In her Oprah-endorsed bestseller, Ms Byrne argues you can make positive things happen by simply thinking about them. Under her leadership, the Liberals could abandon the doing of things, because it clearly hasn’t worked, and focus instead on just thinking about them.

Cons: Sceptical insiders worry that putting pseudoscientific “woo-woo” at the heart of a political plan is madness. Though to be fair to the Byrne faction, the same could be said about trickle-down economics.

Brian Mannix (not Rod Stewart)

Pros: Widely known…

Cons: …for being a dropkick.

Tina Arena (Aria-winning chanteuse)

Pros: Recent photos suggest that Tina is chummy with both Scott Morrison and Jordan Peterson. If so, the dozens of angry old white folk who pass for the “base” these days would be giddy with excitement having Tina upfront. She also has a lock on the Sorrento vote. And finally, she was Eva fucking Perón.

Cons: As a highly successful self-made woman, Tina may be seen by some sections of the party as an existential threat. As former leader Scott Morrison said, “We want to see women rise, but we don’t want to see women rise only on the basis of others doing worse.”

Jeff Kennett (ex-premier, Hawks head honcho)

Pros: He still has a Spring St swipe card and spends most of his time telling the Liberal Party what they are doing wrong, so formalising the relationship probably makes sense.

Cons: There could be fewer of his unintentionally hilarious word-salad brain explosions on Twitter, which would be a pity.