Florida man medically incapable of shame launches NFT trading card collection

Donald Trump is many things to many people — traitor, racist, misogynist, tax cheat, liar — but in a new, unforeseen low, the most mendacious president in US history confirmed what much of the world had long suspected: the guy is, if nothing else, “SAD!” (to borrow one of his favourite insults).

“America needs a superhero!”, he declared during a 15-second clip on his Truth Social website, sharing a bizarre image of himself suited up as Superman with light beaming from his eyes.

What then followed was a “MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT” — not of, as some seriously anticipated, his running mate in his upcoming presidential bid — but rather the launch of digital NFT trading cards featuring indelibly creepy images of himself.

Among the criminally weird cards were depictions of Trump as an astronaut, boxer, cowboy, golfer and — you guessed it — a laser-beaming superhero.

“[These cards] feature amazing ART of my Life & Career!”, Trump told his followers.

The announcement was met with derision, with former CIA whistleblower John Kiriakou tweeting: “Just when you thought this grifter couldn’t humiliate himself any more than he already has”.

While US President Joe Biden posted this mocking rejoinder on his personal Twitter account: “I had some MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS the last couple of weeks, too…”, pointing out inflation is easing, the Respect for Marriage Act, Brittney Griner’s return and low gas prices.

Trump’s website added that the “digital baseball cards” were available for $150 each — “all you need is an email address and a credit card”.

All of which, readers, is happy news this Christmas if you’ve ever thrown $150 into a bin, set fire to it and found the experience a fulfilling one.