Australia’s getting a poet laureate. We have a few suggestions

At the launch of Revive, Australia’s new cultural policy, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese announced “the establishment of a poet laureate for Australia”, a truly momentous occasion. Below are a few thoughts about who should get the gig.

Gina Rinehart

Rinehart is a woman of many talents, but her immortal work Our Future may well be her most significant achievement, taking the artform to places none have dared go before — or since. Here’s a taste:

Develop North Australia, embrace multiculturalism and welcome short term foreign workers to our shores
To benefit from the export of our minerals and ores

The world’s poor need our resources: do not leave them to their fate
Our nation needs special economic zones and wiser government, before it is too late.

By the way, immortal isn’t really overstating it — Rinehart put a plaque of her work on a 30-tonne iron ore boulder outside the Coventry Square Markets in Morley, Perth.

Bill Shorten

At the risk of sounding like a white high school teacher in a ’90s movie, poetry and rap are just two sides of the same coin. And who better among Australia’s political class to take up this form of expression than Shorten.

Look, the whole “politician does a rap on commercial radio” thing is such a stomach-churning cringe that Shorten’s basically acceptable performance — in so far as there’s no stumbling and a couple of internal rhymes — is a blessed relief:

Each day I listen to you fellas whinge and whine

I’d rather go to question time with Christopher Pyne

Our economy’s in debt, but Malcolm’s just chillin’

Hey Malcolm can you lend us a couple of million?

And then, when your awkwardness defenses are lowered, Shorten tries and fails *three times* to complete a high five with one of the hosts.

Bec Hewitt

Frankly we don’t see how it could go to anyone else. The actor’s sprawling epic (by which we mean long. So so so long), delivered to Lleyton Hewitt on the day of their wedding, will haunt anyone who reads it for the rest of their life. It’s hard to pick just one verse (it’s SO long, you guys), but here’s our favourite, allusive and emphatic in equal measure:

I have no doubt I’m glad to be your wife,
And being with me is now a part of your life
I admire you for so many reasons,
I mean look at what happened at the Four Seasons!

Honourable mentions

Frankly, joke poems are unbecoming of a role like this, so we’re disqualifying Josh Burns’ tomfoolery from late last year. Likewise, while homage is a key feature in literature, the work of the dozens upon dozens of politicians who have called upon the “go woke/go broke” couplet is simply too derivative to be considered.

On the other hand, one person who definitely deserves a mention is Linda Hurley, wife of Governor-General David Hurley. We’ve written about her love of singing before, and would argue that a line like “philanthropic and corporate partners are invited to join in / folks, environmentalists, primary producers, help them win” from her song to the Invasive Species Solutions Trust is as dense and ambitious as anything Bob Dylan ever attempted.