Zali Steggall, Anthony Albanese and Tim Smith (Images: AAP)
Zali Steggall, Anthony Albanese and Tim Smith (Images: AAP)

“Tim Smith says there is a ‘certain degree of nervousness’ in Ukraine over Putin’s capabilities and the likelihood he will use nuclear weapons,” UK news channel GB News recently reported, accompanying footage of Smith reporting live from Kyiv.

Wait, that Tim Smith, of “Donut Dick” fame? The very same.

It’s just the latest example of politicians making a baffling choice — pretending to be the only other people as routinely contemptible as they are: journalists. At least Scott Morrison usually pretended to be something cool like a truck driver. Tim Smith’s example above is a two-for-one, actually, given he’s being interviewed by former British conservative minister Michael Portillo.

With international affairs taken care of, let’s see what else we can cover in our (unreadable) publication — let’s call it The Capital — staffed by politicians cosplaying as journalists.

Breaking news desk

This will be the most heavily populated desk, with pretty much every single politician attempting to give their press releases the patina of impartiality and impact by putting “#BREAKING” in front of them. Hashtag auspol!

Columnists

During the pandemic, then-New South Wales police minister David Elliott had chunks of his iso-diary published in The Daily Telegraph. It’s a gonzo burst of free-form writing, featuring his wife Nicole “telling people of my predicament followed by that evil laugh reserved for when she finds out I have gout”, to his television-watching habits — he designates the characters of House of Cards as “amateurs” — to memories of Bankstown “thugs” calling “come out Elliott, we want to flog you”.

Recently departed NSW minister Victor Dominello, apart from his valiant attempts to secure gambling reform in the state, showed distinct potential to write grand, sprawling and utterly incoherent think pieces with his post-election victory Facebook post in 2019, which said, in its entirety:

Love using my opal card — however I would like my opal card to be on my phone so I can swipe it (like I can payWave with my credit card) — I will add this to my to do list…

Many people have said to me that I must be on a high after the results on Saturday.

However during moments such as these — Icarus comes to mind. Icarus was given wings attached by wax so that he could fly. Icarus — buoyed by hubris — ignored the advice of his father and flew high, close to the sun. Sure enough the wax melted — the wings fell off and Icarus fell into the ocean and drowned.

‘As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master’ – Abraham Lincoln

Health

There’s only one politician who could be lead health reporter — former sports minister Bridget McKenzie, who showed she has the sensitivity and awareness to cover this tricky beat at the 2019 National Obesity Summit.

(IMage: Twitter)

Audience engagement

Providing shape and tone to the letters page would be Labor’s Stephen Jones, who has shown a real talent for engaging with feedback. After The Sydney Morning Herald‘s economics editor Ross Gittins tweeted that a Jim Chalmers screed against the Greens’ was “self-serving propaganda”, Burns replied “This is a very political statement from a media outlet”, adding that he “would expect it from others” but not the SMH. Extra marks for the “Is there a manager I could speak to?” touch of tagging Gittins’ employer.

Sports desk

What bigger gift could a sitting PM want than to be on the air during a home Ashes series when an English wicket falls? And surely Scott Morrison, who staked his entire appeal on being one of the blokes, your average suburban dad, would be better equipped than any of his predecessors this side of Bob Hawke to make that moment work for him, with a quick “sensational work from the big fella” or something? So what in the name of all that is holy would possess him to say:

‘This is Australia living with the virus, look out there,’ Morrison said. ‘This is Australia taking wickets with the virus.’

It’s typical of the tragicomic anti-alchemy that Morrison was able to achieve when in office, doing things he thought would make people like him and finding it just made people hate him more and more. Former PMs such as John Howard and Kevin Rudd have dropped in to the sports desk to give their analysis and take a few softball questions, and didn’t cause any major stir.

Culture

On TV reviews, we’ve got Senator Sarah Henderson who offered a stinging critique of the lockdown-era comedy At Home Alone Together when it screened on the national broadcaster. She called it “one of the worst, unfunniest TV shows ever produced with taxpayer dollars”. We’re sure a grateful nation slept better that night, knowing an elected official was concerning themselves with such things in May 2020 when there wasn’t much else going on.

Former Liberal senator turned Australian Conservatives leader turned ex-both of those things Cory Bernardi can be our film critic. Post Parliament, he launched Cory Bernardi Confidential, a paywalled (!) and still going (!) website running alongside his ongoing Weekly Dose of Common Sense newsletter. In it, he shared his insights on The Godfather via, and I cannot stress this enough, the most boring sentence I’ve ever seen.

Music reviews fall to John Howard, with his glowing reviews of Joan Baez and Bob Dylan, as long as you ignore all that leftie claptrap in the words — we suspect he took a few notes during “Masters of War”, but not those intended by the author. He’s joined by Peter Dutton whose take that the NRL should only let Macklemore play his marriage equality anthem “Same Love” if they were also willing to play an “anti marriage equality song” is so meaninglessly centrist we’re amazed one of the Nine papers didn’t commission an opinion piece on the topic.

Weather

And finally, here’s Barnaby Joyce with the weather. Joyce showed his deep insights into meteorology in 2021 when he snookered the world’s climate change activists with one simple question: “If global warming exists, why is it so cold right now?”

Who could you see on the staff of a pollie-run publication? Let us know your thoughts by writing to letters@crikey.com.au. Please include your full name to be considered for publication. We reserve the right to edit for length and clarity.