The real reason the Matildas lost

Some would argue it was simply the ruthless professionalism of the reigning European champions that saw England, hardened by consistently making the later stages of tournaments, knock out the Matildas in Wednesday’s World Cup semi-final.

We in the bunker know better. The superstars of Australian football could not move freely, or sufficiently organise their defence to keep Lauren Hemp quiet, not due to fatigue or pressure, but because they were inhibited by the vice-like grip of monumental cringe. We’re talking about politicians attempting to bask in the team’s reflected glow by posting.

Former prime minister Scott Morrison’s job nowadays — when he’s not resolutely refusing to apologise for the failures of his time in government — largely consists of food photography. So we should be surprised that he got in on the act via a pav that Jen had whipped up:

New South Wales Premier Chris Minns copped a fair bit of heat for his Tillies posting while his constituents were trapped at the site of the loss thanks to cancelled trains (owing to an act of vandalism, it turned out).

But Defence Minister Richard Marles was the worst culprit. He decided he liked the meme describing Matildas goalkeeper Mackenzie Arnold as “Australia’s minister for defence” following her heroic effort saving two penalties in the quarter-final win against France, offering up his job to her via a faux-solemn address to camera — as long as she agreed to “return the keys” after the game.

As everyone knows, the quickest way to kill a meme is for a politician to leap upon it and choke it to death, which Marles did with Anton Chigurh-like efficiency.

He prefaced his speech with “And for the record, this is a joke”, and of course there is no greater sign of a successful jape than having to explain it before you’ve told it.