Which one of you drongos tried to send Scott Morrison a bag of weed?

After the hullabaloo that followed the discovery of a bag of cocaine at the White House, someone got curious about whether any such activity was happening inside Australia’s Parliament House. Documents released under freedom of information regarding drug crimes in Parliament House since 2022 show only one report and… it’s pretty weird.

According to an Australian Federal Police report, on May 31, 2022, a patrol was called to Parliament at about 10am “due to them having received a package of Cannabis”. “The return address was for Scott Morrison Canberra,” the report continues, “and the addressee on the front was illegible and not anyone that worked at Parliament”. The victim type was “Regina”, incidentally, which is how police classify offences against the Crown.

What seems to have happened is that someone sent a bag of weed in the post to an illegible address, and put the return address as “Scott Morrison, Canberra”. So when the devil’s lettuce in question couldn’t be delivered to its addressee, it eventually found its way to the APH mail room.

Now, we don’t want to accuse someone who sends bags of primo bambalachacha through the mail — and puts “where the politicians live” as the return address — of fuzzy thinking, but if it’s an elaborate prank, it’s a bit of a weird one. Morrison wasn’t even PM at that point. Was the sinsemilla offered by way of consolation, coming roughly a week after his job got decidedly less hectic, maybe?

Whatever criticisms we’ve made of Morrison over the years, we should probably make it clear that we don’t think it was actually him sending out bags of drugs to hastily and inexactly scrawled addresses from the convenience of his parliamentary office.