(Image: Tom Red/Private Media)

Just when you thought it was safe to start watching the news again, Buckingham Palace has lit the fuse for King Charles’ coronation. It will be held on Saturday May 6 at Westminster Abbey.

With the English pound going up and down faster than Boris Johnson’s trousers, Charles’ ceremony will be a more budget-conscious affair than his mum’s 1953 gold-plated knees-up. Just for starters, the longstanding tradition of presenting a hoard of gold ingots to the new monarch has been dropped because it could be viewed as out of touch. Could be.

Crikey satirist Tom Red has a few more penny-pinching suggestions to keep this right royal beano more in line with a darkening national mood.

Gut the guest list

Queen Elizabeth II’s coronation saw a staggering 8251 VIP guests from 129 different nations descend on London to fete, feast and fawn.

This time the palace wants to keep the guest list light, which is why Prince Andrew will have a high-profile, hands-on role in proceedings. If that doesn’t deter enough punters, the palace will place a ban on representatives from any nation that’s been invaded by Britain or that has enquired about missing cultural artefacts.

Fit for a king

For the late queen’s coronation, the British Ministry of Food granted 82 applications for people to roast whole oxen, but only if they could prove they had previously roasted oxen for a previous coronation. For the ox-less, there were lashings of coronation chicken, a defiantly effortless dish of cold chicken in curry cream sauce with rice, green peas and mixed herbs.

This time around, the Palace is negotiating a one-off sponsorship deal with Nando’s. Each guest will get a special King Charles commemorative snack pack, which includes two pieces of peri peri chicken, aioli dip, small chips and a can of Pepsi. Naturally there’ll be roasted oxen for those with authenticated claims. 

Bangers

As well as choirs and soloists, Queen Elizabeth II’s ceremony had a full orchestra belting out floor-fillers such as Walton’s “Crown Imperial”, Holst’s “Jupiter” and Elgar’s “Pomp and Circumstance Marches”.

For Charles’ do, the tunes will be courtesy of the “Shape of Sheeran“, an affordable and largely convincing Ed Sheeran tribute act. Later it’s a karaoke kick-on with Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson bringing the house down with her show-stopping take on “What Does the Fox Say?“

Bling

At her coronation, the young Queen Elizabeth wore the George IV State Diadem crown, which discreetly features 1333 diamonds and 169 pearls. This was tastefully paired with a circa-1661 golden orb decorated with diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphire and pearls, with a large amethyst on top. As you do.

With a worrying number of Britons literally freezing to death in their Dickensian bedsits right now, the new king’s bling choices need to be sensitive. The palace wants the coronation to “look towards the future, while being rooted in longstanding traditions and pageantry”. Which explains why Charles will wear a “Spice Up Your Life” baseball cap (signed by all five Spice Girls) and, in place of the orb, will brandish an ersatz Harry Potter wand.

Bouncers

There were 30,000 military and police personnel at the 1953 event — not counting boy scouts, girl guides and the cast of Dad’s Army.

This time around, the palace is putting former James Bond star Daniel Craig in charge of security. He’s handsome, experienced and dependable — and, like many, many Britons, he’s currently looking for work.

Pressing issues

More than 2000 journalists and 500 photographers from 92 nations staked out the coronation route in 1953.

Given the relentless orgy of live media coverage around the queen’s passing last month, the upcoming royal event will be covered single-handedly by the ABC’s intrepid Lisa Millar and a backpacker called Sven who claims to be a whiz on Google Translate.