Graham Hand is better known to Crikey readers for his fabulous bank bashing book “Naked Among Cannibals” but he’s also an expat Pom who has filed this entertaining preview to the biggest sporting event on earth.

This is the football the entire world plays.

The 2002 FIFA World Cup started with 193 countries, where it is the most important sport in nearly all of them. It will have a larger audience than the Olympics. It will bring nations across the globe to a standstill, and unite their people. More Australian children play this type of football than any other, but unfortunately, they call it soccer.

It’s a time when followers of other codes make mistakes which confirm their ephemeral expertise. They jump on the global bandwagon, suddenly familiar with an eccentric Brazilian forward who a month earlier sounded like a brand of coffee. For those people who steal the word football for sports that are predominantly played with the hands, here is an attempt to minimise the upcoming, inevitable embarrassments.

Criticism of a shortage of goals reveals a deep lack of understanding. To the educated, the rarity is one of the strengths of the game. Any collector knows that value comes from scarcity. A goal is a truly wonderful thing, a joy enhanced by its relative infrequency. The knowledge that there may be no other goals in the game heightens the thrill, while familiarity breeds contempt.

No decent cricket follower believes a Shane Warne maiden is boring because there are no runs. Contrast it with basketball. There is so much scoring, each basket is of little consequence. They even need loud music and a commentator to build the excitement. No football fan can warm to basketball for this reason.

The 777 qualifying matches for the 2002 FIFA World Cup averaged over three goals a game. That’s an abundance, a veritable cornucopia, a surfeit even.

The inexperienced do not know how to talk about the game properly. Footballers do not “kick” goals, they “score” them. It is only a penalty inside the defending penalty area, otherwise, it is a free kick. Anyone who refers to a direct penalty has clearly misunderstood. Never point out a “Manchester” player, as seasoned campaigners distinguish between United and City. There are no umpires, but it is fine to refer to linesmen, as hardened followers have no time for the politically correct “assistant referees”. All measurements are in yards, not metres, because the English invented the game, not the French.

The rules are intuitive. It is a sport that follows natural instincts rather than creating silly devices like scrums, lineouts and mauls. Handling the ball is only an offence if it is deliberate. A player is not necessarily offside simply because he is in an offside position. A goalkeeper cannot pick up a back pass that has been kicked by his own player. That’s it. The rest, such as no spitting and no kicking, are obvious to everyone except Roy Keane.

Here are some hints for newcomers to the sport, offering a slender chance to impress. Observe that Veron plays better for Argentina than he does for his club. Express amazement that the Dutch side with Kluivert, Stam, van Nistelrooy, de Boer and Hasselbaink failed to make the finals. Pretend you miss them. Note in advance that Michael Owen will be injured. Do not discuss Brooklyn Beckham or Posh Spice. Defend the referee’s decisions. It is so instinctive to criticise referees that doing otherwise unsettles everybody, and offers the beginner a chance.

If final proof is needed of the glory of this game, contrast the way other footballers use their heads. That’s the part of the body that contains the brain. Rugby players are taught to stick it between other mens’ legs, turning ears to cauliflowers and noses to mash. Proper football players use it to rise high above others and score goals.

The sacred nature of football is confirmed by the official rule that prohibits advertising on the hallowed turf. What a scourge on other football codes that they allow sponsors to plaster their names directly on the pitch. Is it something to read during the game?

It is a tragedy that Australia is not in Korea or Japan, because we are good enough to be there. The World Cup Finals are not played by the best 32 footballing countries. Holland is currently ranked ninth in the world by FIFA, but also missed qualification. Senegal, China, South Africa and the United States are all there, and each would struggle against a full strength Australian side. FIFA must allow Australia to qualify through its geographical zone of Asia in future, like everyone else does. With the current approach, the most multicultural of countries misses out in the most multicultural of world events.

Football is the only global team sport. We can cheer the Wallabies and the Kangaroos and the Baggy Greens and the Bombers all we like, but the rest of the planet is watching something else. Once every four years, Australians join them. We will rejoice in a glorious month of football, embracing the spectacle of the world playing its favourite sport.